Snowpocalypse 2013: The Wrath of Nemo: Survival of the New Englandest

John Taraborelli
Posted

By now you may have heard that Winter Storm Nemo is bearing down on New England and preparing to drop anywhere from 1-265 inches (give or take) of powder in the Northeast, and possibly anything from a few flurries to a catastrophic blizzard of biblical proportions around the region, including New York, New Jersey, DC, Miami, Atlanta, Albuquerque, the US Virgin Islands, Belize, Hawaii (the island of Oahu only), New South Wales, Isengard and The Shire. Here is the latest Storm Tracker XL5000 DopplerMaster Radar Luxury Edition III satellite photo of Nemo's approach:

Always concerned for the wellbeing of our readers, we've compiled a list of the following snow preparedness tips so you can be ready for The Wrath of Nemo:

-Stock up on milk and bread.

-While you're at the market, might as well pick up other food that you might need to eat an actual meal instead of subsisting off milk and bread like a Dickensian street urchin.

-Hold up the entire damn line at Stop & Shop like there's no one else waiting while you look for that expired coupon for milk and/or bread.

-Act like it has never snowed before. Ever.

-Call a parent, grandparent or older relative so they can remind you how this is nothing compared to the Blizzard of '78.

-Start live-Tweeting the storm now so that your hash tag wins. #snowedin #statingtheobvious #didImentionitssnowing? #catchinguponHomeland

-Post a Facebook update encouraging everyone to stay safe and warm. Seriously. Do it now. Do you want your friends to die a horrible, freezing, snowbound death? You've got to warn them!

-Gather the supplies you'll need if there's an extended power outage: candles, flashlights, warm blankets, non-perishable food, booze, satellite phone, animal pelts, whale blubber, a trashcan to throw through the front window of whatever store you're planning to loot.

-In the event of both a parking ban and a power outage, set your car on fire to stay warm and avoid costly parking tickets.

-Repent and pray.

-If you are indoors, stay there. Quickly move to a safe location in the room such as under a strong desk, a strong table, or along an interior wall. (Oops. On second thought that one might be an earthquake safety tip. Still, it helps to be prepared for anything.)

-Make sure your DVR is stocked as well as your fridge. You don't want to run out of New Girl halfway through the storm, do you?

-Make plans for Friday or Saturday to have dinner with that friend or relative who you really don't want to see, but keeps bugging you to hang out. Cancel them due to weather.

-Above all, please stay safe and warm.

There, we feel better already.